Haunting Past
by csi-kris
Summary: Olivia is forced to attend departmental counseling, and her past is revealed.  Just why does Olivia have a strong drive to work on the Special Victims Unit?
1. Chapter 1

I'm cuddled up on my plush bed as I grab my writing journal and its fancy matching pen that was lodged in my cherry wood nightstand. I sigh to myself as I try and prepare myself to become mentally ready for a very serious writing. It seems my boss; Donald Cragan is worried about my well being, and has mandated departmental counseling as a priority. The only issue I have with this is that it seems that I'm the only one obligated to do this. My first session was not that insulting, but now I have homework. The desire to laugh is overwhelming as a small chuckle escapes my lips, and for the life of me I'm confused on where to begin. The topic of my assignment is a bit personal, and I could spend hours writing why I chose to become a sex crimes detective. Pulling my hair into a low pony tail, I begin my long journey into what made me into a solid person.

_It was easy to let people assume that the reason why sexual crimes hit me so hard was because I was in fact a product of a rape. I was the dirty child conceived from something dark and sinister; the unwanted bundle of joy or a joy that never came for my mother. I was a constant reminder of the bad in the world. This of course is all true, but that alone is not the only reason why I decided to become a Special Victims Unit detective. _

_My life is an untold mystery of many undoing that started when I was barely a child myself. Truth be told, I'm lucky that I am a Benson, and not some other forced last name that was given to me in this torturous world. It's ironic that I even call that lucky considering that I should have never been in this world to begin with. _

_My good friends, the few that I actually have might conclude that my problems began with a mother that never loved me or wanted me. The problem with that conclusion is that as an adult I realized that quite possibly I never understood the meaning of love to begin with. My mother loved me but was afraid to show me. I guess in a sense she might have thought that loving me would mean that she accepted the simple realization that she was a victim of rape. _

_The crime committed against her so many years ago seemed to blur with my very existence. No matter how much I showered the feeling of dirtiness never left me. My mother never kissed me goodnight. Nor did she tuck me in bed, and check for monsters that could possibly be hiding in my imagination. I slowly became the untouchable child that yearned for a loving touch from the one person that wished I had not ruined her life as she once knew it. _

_I vaguely remember the day when I entered kindergarten, and I came home crying because I was the only one whose father did not show up for father-daughter day. I cried with a lack of understanding that I was not born with a loving father. I was too young to understand the meaning of a forced encounter and for a long time I believed my father had died in war. _

_My life changed drastically when my mother's sister had passed unexpectedly, and Jeremy my older cousin came to live with us. The way my mother loved him so passionately killed my insides as I only got fleeting smiles from her. It was eating me up, and my grades started to struggle as reading gave me horrid difficulties. I suddenly developed a stuttering problem, and my world slowly turned into silence. Things were changing constantly around me as my mom gave Jeremy more responsibilities dealing with me. It was like she wanted to rid me from her hands, and even though I was barely six at the time—the loss I felt was undeniably terrifying, but I somehow managed to pull myself together. _

_The day it started is the day I will never forget. It seemed that I managed to get the extremes of both sides. I thought the lack of my mother's touch was slowly killing me, but I never realized that the touch from Jeremy would send my world into an emptiness of suffocation. _

My eyes start to rapidly blink as I stare at my pen as if it had done something wrong like violate my memory. I was not ready to go there yet; even though, that part of my life seemed to always haunt me when I least expected it or thought I was over it. Looking over at the time on my clock radio, I decide to call it a night knowing full well that sleep will not come easy. Not only that, I just do not want to think anymore. My head is throbbing as I lay my head back on my pillow that is now unusually flat, but I don't have the energy or the desire to fix it. I contemplate on turning on my tv as I toss over on my right side, but that would require me to find my remote which is most likely lying next to my pillow. I take an unsteady sigh as my eyelids flutter shut, and all I see is his face. "Damn it...Olivia. Get a grip," I shout to myself in frustration. I hastily roll back on my back as my back lands on something rather hard and solid. It's my desired remote control, and I quickly hit the on button. My room slowly drowns me in noise, and I'm bathed in flickering light from the television. Some type of noise seems to always calm me, and usually it is music, but the tv will do for now. I find myself drifting off, and before I know it the last thing I remember hearing is a sale's pitch for an exercise machine.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for all the kind reviews!!!! And since I forgot before...I own nothing except for my imagination. Therefore, the characters are not mine!!! Please keep reviewing...I love reviews!!!

Chapter 2

My alarm seems to annoying blare in my ear before it fully awakes me as I frantically search for it on my nightstand. "Damn it," I mutterer to myself as my hand knocks it roughly on the floor. This of course forces me to get out of my overly warm comfortable bed when I wanted to hit the snooze button and sleep another ten minutes. At least the annoying beeping noise is no longer bothering me because when I knocked the damn thing on the floor its plug pulled out from the wall socket. Go figure! And who in the hell thought up the idea of an alarm clock?

I make my way into my overly small bathroom because on the salary I make I'm lucky enough to live in a decent part of town. Or at least I like to think that. I climb into my shower stall, and let the hot water work its magic on my tight back. I guess maybe I'm more stressed out than I realized. The possibility of losing my partner or losing my job is finally getting the best of me as the sobs ripple though my body and finally expose themselves. My job is my life, and the idea of not being a sex crimes detective is too much for me to handle. I am who I am, and taking such a huge part away from me is very crippling.

I don't know how long I've been crying but the shower is now pelting icy cold water on me. I quickly turn the water off, and grab a towel to dry off my goose bumped skin. I run into my bedroom getting dressed in a record speed as I look at the clock. Being late to work won't help the dilemma that I'm in, and I desperately want to keep my job.

I race into work, and my heart jumps into my throat as I notice that Elliot is in Cragen's office, but it doesn't take long until the door is yanked open and a pissed off Elliot sits down before me not speaking.

"El…," I start before I'm bitterly interrupted.

"Looks like I'm on desk duty until I agree to get this stupid professional counseling," he stops as he looks at me. "And…you of all people. I can't believe you have agreed to this!"

Is he serious I can not help but think as my mouth remains open in shock? Finally it seems my mind has caught up with me. "What does that mean? El…you of all people should know that my job…is my life. I'm not going to let something as little as counseling stand in the way. Get over yourself and do it," I stop as I hear my name being called by Cragen. Oh goody, now it's my turn. I can hardly wait. I know feeling sarcastic is not my best option but it's all I have right now.

I walk into my boss' office, and he is tapping a folder. "Shut the door," he tells me without looking at me. I swallow hard as I do what he asks, and I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes again. I can not hold back the question that has been haunting me, and I am not sure where my new found courage came from but it is much needed. "Am I being laid off or transferred?" I suddenly ask. Along with my question, the air has left my lungs, and I am literally afraid to breathe.

I notice as Cragen's eyebrows furrow, and a look of confusion crosses his face. I now know that the reason for the shut door has nothing to do with that yet I still feel uneasy.

"Your job…is not in question." He slowly hands me the folder he was tapping with his fingers moments ago. I open the folder and notice immediately that it deals with child sexual abuse and that the CPS is involved. I'm still scanning the documents when Cragen speaks up. "Does the name Jeremy Pewter mean anything to you?"

The folder falls from my grasp as my eyes rapidly blinked in shock. "What?" I find myself asking as my brain failed me miserably with no other comment. I shake my head in denial thinking that I must have heard him wrong. That he did not just utter the name that I had longed to forget -- my cousin's name.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Mouth agape, I continue to stare at my boss in shock. I shake my head lightly as I reach down to pick up the scattered file that I dropped that pertained to my cousin. I quickly run a shaky hand through my highlighted brown hair as I collect the different sheets from the case. I clear my throat and stare at the bland floor pretending to find the non-pattern interesting.

"Olivia…you okay?" I can hear the confusion in his question even though it's laced with concern.

I stand up quickly and hand the folder back to him. "Yeah…you just caught me by surprise," I explain as I fake a smile. "Jeremy Pewter is my cousin—but I assume you already know that." I rake my teeth across my bottom lip happy with my explanation.

But, he's now staring at me as his eyebrows pull together, and I know that his brain is going into overdrive as he shifts his weight to his left foot. "Casey called me this morning when she realized you were related to the Defendant, yet you weren't called by the defense to be a good character witness."

I can feel my blood start to boil at the mere suggestion that I would ever defend the one person that hurt me in the worst way possible. That thought alone was sickening, and my palms started to sweat profusely. The last thing I wanted to start at this moment was a conversation about Jeremy, but Cragen was staring at me waiting for my response. "Why would I be on any list to provide character for Jeremy? Just because we are related...doesn't mean we are close. We don't talk, and I haven't seen him in years." I can feel the heat as it slowly radiates up my cheeks, and I know my face must look flushed.

I'm starting to feel suffocated and so I head for the door. "Is that all Cap? I really have work to do?"

"Didn't you at one time live with him?" His question is loud and clear, and I'm not caring to much for the intrusion. This seems to get the best of me as I quickly turn back towards my boss with unfriendly eyes. My hand is starting to feel forced, and I'm feeling cornered. "What are you trying to get at? My mother became responsible for him at the age of thirteen when her sister suddenly died in a car crash. I barely remember it because I was so young."

"So you know nothing about his character?" His question is burning my ears as I swallow hard. How in the hell am I supposed to get around this? I can feel my heart panicking as I think about Jeremy's child and what she must be going through, and if I lie I could ruin her future that much more. Yet, if I open up everything is revealed about me, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready for that. I feel my chin start to quiver from the pressure that I'm under and I desperately want to protect this child that I don't know even though we are related. I begin to mumble something before I even realize it came out of my mouth. "What's her name? I don't even know her." I stop as I stare at the floor feeling somehow responsible as all the 'what if' questions float through my mind. What if I told someone? What if I tried to warn Jeremy's wife? Then I remembered reading that his wife passed leaving him as a single Dad. Regardless, maybe if I was not such a coward none of this would have happened?

Cragen is just staring at me with regard so I grab the folder, and open it. I frantically scan through its contents looking for her name, and my eyes slowly come across it—Kailyn. Her name is Kailyn, and she's just a baby. She's barely six. I close my eyes at this information, and rub my head as it starts to pound. I can't handle all of this, and yet I know I have to be the strong one here because that little girl needs me. "Why are we even pondering over his fucking character?" I hear myself speak yet I can't seem to control the words that are coming out of my mouth. "Tell Casey to believe in Kailyn. Since when do we ever second guess a child," and with that I fling open his office door after I hand him back the case file.

I was planning on walking back to my desk and just sitting down like everything was normal; but, my legs kept walking as the air suddenly felt thick. I could hear my name being called by Elliot but I needed air. I needed to breathe some fresh air even though that was far from possible in New York. It didn't take long before I crashed through the back doors of the police station and caught the glare of the morning sunlight.

The damp cool air was biting as I paced uncontrollably in the parking lot, and I'm so caught up in thought that I do not even notice that I'm cold. What am I doing? A little girl's life is at stake here, and I'm more concerned with my past haunting my future. I can no longer hold in my emotions as I suddenly crack. My hands delicately cover my face as I let loose some of the pent of rage and emotions that has been plaguing at my heart. But, I quickly manage to gain control over them as I angrily wipe at my fallen hot tears. The sudden urge to hit or kick something abruptly becomes more apparent. And on impulse, I look down and see a battered coke can just waiting to be kicked. I am about to do just that when someone interrupts me from my release of anger. I turn around expecting to see Elliot, but an older African American woman is trying to get my attention.

"Olivia I presume? I was told you came out here. I'm Virginia Harring," she tells me as she points to her badge on her shirt. "I'm with Child Protective Services. Can I have a moment of your time?" I stare at her blankly not sure if I trust myself to speak. I look away briefly as the fear coils inside my stomach. I'm not sure what this lady wants, but I'm terrified to find out. Is she here to question me? She pulls me from my thoughts as she speaks to me again. "Is this a bad time? I could always schedule a meeting?"

"What?" I find myself asking as I return my gaze back to her. "Oh…sorry. No, now is fine. I'm just a little preoccupied," I say as I fake another smile. It seems as if I'm getting good at pretending or maybe I've always been good at it but never realized it.

"Are you aware of the circumstances involving Kailyn Pewter?"

I stare at this woman as the fear drains the color from my face, and I quickly shake my head yes. My voice sounds shaky as I respond back to her. "Yes, my boss informed me about it today." I clear my throat as I brush my bangs back from my eyes.

"We are looking for temporary placement for Kailyn through out the trial, and if a conviction is noted then of course we would be looking for something more permanent. I was hoping to keep the child with a family member, and it seems you are the only one left surviving."

My eyes blink rapidly at the social worker as my mouth falls open in shock for the second time today. "And…you think I'm a logical option for her to stay with? I work long hours, and live in a small apartment…," I'm cut off suddenly as she raises a hand at me.

I find myself shaking my head rapidly before I suddenly speak not allowing her a chance to open her mouth first. "Gosh…I'm sorry. This…is all new to me, and I'm just not sure how to react. I'll do anything you need. If Kailyn needs a place to stay she's more than welcome to stay with me." Oh my gosh what did I just concede into doing? I swallow hard, and for the first time Virginia smiles at me.

"Your actions are perfectly normal, and I can completely understand your reluctance. If you weren't reluctant—I'd be a little worried actually. First things first, I'd have to interview you, and basically see if I think you are capable enough to handle a job such as raising a child. The interview is rather vigorous Ms. Benson. I'm sure you realize that just from your job alone. I'm just meeting with you today to see if you are willing to go through the interview. Please take a few days to think about it before you reach your decision. Anything regarding children should never be considered lightly."

"Sure…I will think about it." I shake her hand and she gives me her business card, and before I know I'm standing alone again. I think my mouth has been hanging open for the last ten to fifteen minutes in shock, and I can't seem to shake my mind past the fact that I could end up being Kailyn's guardian. I quickly turn back around, and head inside, and I notice that Elliot is once again inside Cragen's office. I don't hesitate as I push through my boss's office door, and shut it quietly.

"Sorry for the interruption, but I really need to talk to both of you." I start as I find myself needing to sit down from exhaustion. Elliot's eyes bear into mine, and I know he knows about the case involving Jeremy. "Virginia Harring from CPS wants to interview me for a possible temporary if not permanent placement option for Kailyn Pewter." Just saying it seems to relieve some of the pressure that I have been feeling today.

"Liv…that's big! What did you say," Elliot asks me as his expression turns more serious if that is even possible. I wave his concern off as I speak. "I'm taking some time to think about it, but I think I really want to do this."

They both stare at me, and I don't know if their expressions are from shock or concern. Perhaps it's a mixture of both. "Look if I have a shot at this, I want to give Kailyn something solid if not comforting. She deserves this, and I have a feeling that she really needs me."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters

Thanks for all the kind reviews! I really enjoy hearing what you guys think. This is really my first fanfic written in first person. Keep me informed!

Chapter 4

The rest of my shift was spent doing paper work because believe or not it was a rather slow night. I could feel Elliot, my partner eyes shifting fleetingly at me as he looked at me occasionally. Usually I share everything with him, and I think he can feel my hesitation with opening up regarding my cousin. I look up suddenly to find him staring at me intently, and I shake my head feeling annoyed that he will not let things go. He picks and picks at something until it unravels, and that is what makes him a great detective. But, I don't feel like being unraveled. "I have two burning holes in my head," I hastily say as I stare back at him. Normally I would smile, but I lack the energy needed for it.

He's now staring at me in confusion as he shakes his head. "What?"

"You're looking at me intently, and frankly its starting to hurt." Again I fail to smile at my sense of humor. I shrug on my coat as I start to get all of my personal items together before I call it a night. A massage is sounding good right about now, but I will be damned if I let someone I don't know touch me.

"Right…sorry about that. I never heard you mention you had a cousin," he remains seated in his chair as if I'm going to stay here and have this conversation with him.

"El…it's late," I say in an attempt to end the conversation.

"Come on Liv…this is a case that indirectly involves you. I want some background information on this guy."

I'm now feeling perturbed as I walk to his side of the desk. This whole case is getting the best of me, and have I mentioned that I feel incredibly nauseated? This is not even his case yet he's treating it like it is, and I'm starting to feel as though I'm being violated. "And, I can't give you that Elliot. I don't KNOW the guy," I find myself saying through gritted teeth. "Just drop it already," and with that I turn to leave.

I feel his strong hand clutch my shoulder as he holds me back from leaving the room. I'm about to come unglued from feeling cornered yet again. I do not like the feeling of being forced at anything, and it puts me on attack mode. "Hey…it's likely your cousin was molesting his own daughter, and you want me to drop it?" He asks me disbelievingly. "Since when do you ask me to back away from a pertinent case? What exactly are you hiding?"

Is he questioning my ethics? I find my mood slipping further south as I yank free of his grasp. I feel the heat as it radiated up my body and leaves red angry splotchy marks on my neck. My face feels like heated lava. "Don't you dare question me," I growl as I turn around and face him. I can feel the bile rise up my throat before I swallow it down with a disgusted face. "This isn't your case to begin with. Quit treating me like a witness who has answers regarding him. I didn't even know he had a child until today. Just like you I'm trying to piece together everything. I need some time to think and sort through my own feelings regarding the matter. Okay?" I feel out of breath after my explanation, but that does not calm the guiltiness that is overwhelming me at the moment.

"Fine…at least let me walk out with you," and before I know it he's standing by my side ready to go with me. Besides Cragen, Elliot is the only other man I truly trust; and it pangs me to know that he's separated from his wife. I'd never wish loss on anyone, and to me a failed marriage is like a losing battle of something you once had. The elevator announcing its arrival pulls me from my thoughts as we both load on in silence. I close my eyes wishing upon hope that I will wake up in my bed, and all of today's events are just a nasty nightmare. Of course I have no such luck as the doors swing open, and we head down into the parking garage.

Like a gentleman that he is, Elliot walks me to my car. I'm stuck feeling awkward as he is once again staring at me with concern. "I'm fine. Really!" I try to sound as convincing as possible even though I know I heard the small tremor in my voice. I'm just ready to be alone, and a stiff drink sounds like a wonderful idea.

His hand gently pats me on my right shoulder as his look turns more serious. "You know if you need to talk…," he stops as he lingers on hoping that perhaps I will take him up on his offer. I managed to pull out a smile from somewhere as I feel the corners of my lips tilt upward. "I know, and I appreciate that."

I turn my attention to my car door, and he immediately opens it. I thank him once again before I shut my door and I'm surrounded by stifling silence. I watch as he unlocks the door to his car and he revs his car to life.

**xxxxxxxxxx**

The first thing I grab when I get home is a cold beer from my refrigerator. I know alcohol is never the answer because I did live with my mom for part of my life. And, I was usually the one to clean up after her drunken messy habit that she never overcame. I found out a little to late that she ended up just hiding her alcohol problem behind her fake sobriety. But, for the first time in my life I can't think of a reason good enough to tell myself no. I tell myself how much I need this release as I grab what is now my fourth beer in a period of two hour. I never thought I was a fast drinker.

Odd that my clarity is gone, but I feel in control of my emotions. I find myself chuckling over the idea of me raising a child when I still have so much growing up to do myself. Guess if it happens we can do it together. I take a messy swig at my drink, and ponder over the idea of telling someone what happened to me as a child. Once what felt nearly impossible to explain or confide about is slowly feeling easy. I scratch at my head as I stand up on unsteady feet, and trip over my own feet as I grab at the destiny that holds my source of drunkenness. I blindly stare into the icebox, and I swear the crap on my shelves is moving. I poke my head further inside, and curse as my forehead hits the top shelf. Did I mention that I've also managed to drink most of the small bottle of vodka as well? How I managed to grab another bottle is beyond me? I'm not sure when I settled on the floor in the kitchen, but I laugh out loud at myself. I know I'm far gone, and it's barely 9pm at night time.

I have my purse next to me and I dump it over looking for my cell phone. I have tampons strewn across the kitchen floor, and I don't even give a damn. I punch in a number that I know well, and she picks up all business like.

"This is Casey Novak."

I blink as I hear her name, and I laugh at her as if she has said something funny. "Aren't…we all serious?" I ask in a slurred voice.

"Olivia? Is that you?" I laugh again, and why I find this so amusing I'm not sure. It must be the alcohol talking, and I remembered thinking I was in control over my actions and emotions. "You have caller ID."

"You're drunk." She tells me in a stern disapproving voice. Well, what else does she think alcohol does to a person? We have become rather good friends over the years, and I know she's not to pleased with me at the moment. Not only is drinking out of character for me, but in her eyes it's probably the last thing I should be doing at the moment considering Kailyn. However, drinking does make me bolder.

"So, how good of a case do you have against Jeremy Pewter?" I find myself asking in my drunken state. I try to stand up, but I realize then that it's best for me to remain seated where I am on the cold kitchen floor.

"You know I can't talk about my case with you! What is this?" She asks me with anger. Truth be told, she has every right to be angry with me because I'm not being all too professional at the moment.

"Is your case solid? Can you tell me that?" I ask, and I hear my voice crack. I feel a hot tear as it rolls down my cheek, and I really need to know this guy is going away for hurting Kailyn. I need to know this partly for myself because in a sense he's getting punished for his crimes committed against me as well.

"I don't know," her words sound small in my head, and I can't handle her not feeling confident about this particular case. My world is spinning, and my mind keeps flashing back to the times he hurt me. The flashes are vivid, and I wince unknowingly. My chest tightens and the air flees my lungs, and I feel as though I'm about to hyperventilate.

Everything feels hazy, and my silent tears are making it difficult for me to see clearly. "He's guilty," I barely whisper as I manage to control my sobs from being obvious.

"WHAT?" Her question is more than just a question. She sounds a bit dumb founded or unsure of how to take what I just told her. Even though I know she heard me before, I shout the same thing to her. "HE'S GUILTY." I felt my throat constricting as I screamed those two words, and I knew I was slowly if not fully coming unglued.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

What have I done? I just unleashed a new world of hurt in my life, and I fear there is no way to turn back. Casey is on her way over, and a huge part of me wants to just run away. I stumble over my feet as I slowly stand, and somehow manage to stand in front of my refrigerator. At this time, I think I have basically two options: either drink myself unconscious or run away. Running away seems to require too much energy, and honestly energy is something that I'm lacking currently. I grab the last beer and then grab what is left of the vodka bottle, and head back to my sitting position in the kitchen.

I take a long swig of the vodka and nearly choke it back up as it burns down my throat leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Not paying attention to what my body is saying, I fumble to pick up my beer bottle and knock it over. Its contents are spewing all around me, and all I can think about is that was my last beer. I hear pounding on my front door, but I'm stuck in a daze as I finish the vodka bottle as I nearly poured it down the front of my shirt. I smell like beer and alcohol, and I don't even give a damn.

The pounding stops, and before I know it Casey is standing in front of me. Her mouth is agape, and I suddenly feel like a bad hostess. I'm so far gone that I'm not even questioning how she got into my place. I try to stand and fall into her, and I hear her take a sharp intake of air. "Olivia…you smell like a bar."

I snicker at this as I pull back which sends my stomach searing. On reflex my hand covers my mouth, but it's too late as I throw up my liquid courage. Lucky for Casey, she immediately steps out of the way which sent me plummeting backwards. I'm now covered in my own sickness, and I find myself crying over this.

I'm crying or actually sobbing as she's helping me to my little bathroom, and before I know it I'm standing under warm water in my undergarments. My mind seems to shift into a dark place without my permission as I sink to the floor of the stall as the water still beats at my face.

_I'm in the bathroom naked waiting for the water to fill up the bathtub with sudsy water, and he tells me the water is ready. My small legs barely make it over the tub as I get in, and he tells me to scoot all the way to the back. It doesn't take long until he has submerged himself in the water with me, and I'm confused. I know it's wrong for him to be in the tub with me--it just doesn't feel right. I turn and look at him, and he has some suds covering his face, and he smiles at me. _

"_Ho…ho…ho…come sit on my lap, and tell me what you want for Christmas." I giggle at his interpretation of Santa as I slide on to his lap. "I want a Barbie doll with a big perty dress," I whisper as I giggle out loud. But, it doesn't take long before I realize that I now feel worse than what I did before. _

"_It's time," he says as he stands me up, and helps me over the tub. I squeeze my eyes shut, and walk over to stand on the bath mat in front of the sink. _

My eyes suddenly fly open, and I feel the water as it beats pellets into my face. My mind is still with my flashback, and I find myself screaming in confusion. It doesn't take Casey long as she quickly shuts off the water, and she wraps me in a towel. I can't live this way anymore. I'm so cut off from everyone. I start to cry, and suddenly feel overly exposed. I stand up and make my way into my room, and find a set of pajamas. "I…need to get dressed. I will meet you in the living room."

She smiles at me as she shuts me off into my own world, and I quickly get dressed. My head is pounding as I make my way to the couch and sit next to her. My head falls on her shoulder as I take a deep breath not knowing where to start. "I feel for Kailyn, and I don't even know her. It starts out innocent enough, but is ruining none the less. The worst thing about it is he's nice. I think that is what makes it so damaging." I swallow hard at my somewhat confession, and close my eyes. I just need for someone to hear me, and comfort me because in all truth my mother failed me there. I just need to know that someone cares about me, and sees me for the person that I'm afraid to be.

Casey remains silent, but she's comforting me. This is the first time I've really let anyone comfort me, and even though I'm uncomfortable with it—it feels good. Things seem just a bit less scary, and I feel as though quite possibly I can tackle what is ahead.

**xxxxxxxxxxx**

I awake to quietness, and notice that Casey fell asleep on the love seat. After stretching, I quietly head to the bathroom with the stench of my own sickness on me, and that is enough to nearly cause me to retch in response.

Even though now I'm clean, my head is throbbing uncontrollably. I'm searching for some Tylenol or something when I hear Casey knock on the door. "Come in," I say as I shut my eyes tightly. I can not believe I called her last night, and what's worse I'm not sure I remember what all I confessed to her.

"It's good to see that you are up and moving around."

"I'm fine. Look about last night…," I start as I gently touch my temples. "I'm really sorry that I called you. It was wrong of me."

"I'm not. This could help my case."

I blink rapidly at her wondering if I just heard her right. My throat feels as though its contracting and I can not seem to find my voice. She went on as if I had agreed to her wild rambling. "Your testimony should nail this case closed." Her smile is wide, and I know she thinks she has accomplished something of virtue.

"What? No!"

"Olivia…your testimony could be the key to this case."

"No, you have to find a different angle to make this case work. I'm not the answer Casey." My mind feels as though it's about to drown in mud. What all did I tell her last night because of what I remember it was nothing much? Feeling vulnerable, I step past her into my bedroom as I pace back and forth. "I didn't admit to anything last night!" I decide to be bold and hope my mind is not playing games with me.

"What you said is enough for me know that he did something to you. He hurt you Olivia, and he hurt you the worst way possible when he molested you."

The only word I heard from her mouth was 'molested,' and that was enough to send me over the edge. My whole body tensed up as I struggled to keep my head afloat the rumbling thunderstorm that was threatening to take over me. "Don't say that. I won't hear of it," I can feel the anger as I spit out my words. "I think you should go."

I see the change in her features as she realized that perhaps she pushed me too hard too fast. "Liv…I didn't mean…," she stops as I quickly interrupt her.

"Just go!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I can not help but cry as I watch Casey leave my front door. Opening up has never been easy for me, and now that I have I feel so alone and lost. All these emotions that I had managed to suppress from so long ago are coming up to the surface like waves crashing on a shore. I'm slowly falling apart, and cringe at the idea of possibly raising a little girl that has gone through the same things that I suffered so long ago. How can I possibly help someone when I feel so broken and fragile? How can I offer the comfort that Kailyn will desperately need?

I am trying to concentrate on the sudden things in my life that are drastically changing, and my cell phone is constantly vibrating next to me. If it's not Cragen then its Elliot, and I can slowly feel my body as it tenses to a new degree of unbearable. My mind is gone, and I'm slowly loosing the person that I once was or perhaps I never was. The vibrating of the phone once again sends me over the edge as I grab it roughly and throw it across the room with all my might, and abruptly feel a bit empowered as I hear it break against my white plastered wall.

Getting my wits together is my first priority if I want to even remain a reliable and respectable candidate for a placement possibility for Kailyn. Drinking until I lose myself is not helping me, and it's a far cry from a responsible guardian that I need to prove myself to be. I pull out the social worker's card and repeatedly thump it as I rest my head against the back cushion of my couch. All my energy and thoughts are placed on this little girl. I have the ability to save her, and help her get through this. More importantly I know exactly what she is going through.

Before I realize it, I'm holding my cordless phone from the kitchen and dialing Ms. Harring's number. The social worker picks up immediately on the second ring as she lightly greets me with her name.

"Ms. Harring? Hi this is Olivia, and we spoke yesterday. I know you told me to take some time to think about my decision, but the truth is I've already decided. I knew from the moment you asked me. I wanted to help. I'm ready for that interview."

The line remained silent, and I started to get a bit nervous as the line only held a ominously quiet buzz. "Ms. Benson. I noticed immediately that this case had a strong hold on you especially for someone that didn't know this child existed in the first place. Is it because of your job?"

"What?" I asked breathlessly.

"Your job…is it affecting your decision?"

"What? Oh…no my job has no bearing with my decision."

"Okay, well I'm a bit reluctant with your haste decision."

"Ms. Harring with all due respect…this isn't a hasty decision on my part. It might have been a quick one, but I know in my heart that she needs me. Please grant me that interview."

"Interview granted. Can you meet me at Starbuck's on Washington Avenue in about an hour?"

"Yes… I will be there."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

The word nervous does nothing to describe what I'm feeling at the moment as I wait for the social worker to show up. What if I answer the questions wrong? What if she views me as not guardian material? What if I just don't have what it takes to be a good parent. I sigh heavily as I wonder where my confidence has gone because I desperately need it back now. Kailyn's world is depending on my ability to sell myself. Perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong, but isn't that what interviews are about in the first place--regardless if it's an interview for a job or a good placement for a much needed child?

My stomach is turning in circles, and I force a nervous smile on my face as Ms. Harring quickly takes a seat in front of me. "I can see that you are nervous. That's a good start."

My eyes widen in shock at her uncanny ability to read me. "Yeah…I'm nervous," I start as I keep eye contact with her. Eye contact is especially important in any interview because it shows a form of respect, and allows the person to read you that much better. Did I mention that I'm scared shitless at the moment? I take a sip of my coffee, and feel rude that I didn't wait. "I'm sorry…I should have waited to order this," I say as I start to stand up.

"It's okay Olivia. Please sit. I don't drink coffee anyway. I knew you did…so that was why I suggested this place."

I sit numbly back into my chair as I try to wrap her words around in my head. "You knew I drank coffee? What else do you know about me? Did you pull my credit too?" I realize now that I'm just blurting things out but I'm started to feel like I had been investigated.

She puts her hand up as she smiles at me. "Relax. Yes, your way of life is definitely been watched but that is normal. It's part of the process. Child abuse is a serious crime and I don't take it lightly. I know you don't either."

That caught my attention as I quickly look at her wondering exactly what she meant. I feel her stare, and suddenly I feel like a small fish in a fish tank being admired from a viewer. "I take any kind of abuse serious."

"You do realize that this won't be an easy feat. I know you think you are helping Kailyn, but she's likely to feel…," Ms. Harring starts as I kindly interrupt her.

"Different. She will feel as though I have pulled her from the only person that she knows. Her dad? She will feel as though she has done something wrong. She will feel ashamed of the abuse, and try to hide from it. She won't want to deal with it, but will want to pretend it never happened. More importantly, she will be confused and feel lost and empty and want to just hide behind a false pretense of happiness. And if that is not enough, she will blame herself for being separated from her father. That she did something so horrible and shameful that she is now denied his love. A sick love I might add—one that only takes and destroys the most precious thing a child could have—their innocence."

Ms. Harring just blinks at me as she suddenly closes her notebook. I look away with frustration at myself for coming across overpowering. "Maybe I just went a little overboard there. I'm sorry, but I do realize this won't be easy if you choose to give me Kailyn."

"Your right. I don't think you could have answered that question any better. This interview is over. I want you to meet Kailyn tomorrow," she stands as she puts her notebook under her arm. "I will bring her by your place around ten in the morning." And with that she is gone, and my mouth is left open in complete shock. Did I just pass?

xxxxxxxxx

I arrive to my apartment in a daze, and am about to unlock my front door when someone grabs my arm from behind. Turning on reflex, I knock my elbow into Elliot's ribs. "El—liot…what the Hell?" I scream as I grab at my throbbing heart. "You scared the shit out of me." The adrenaline is now starting to pump slower throughout my body, and I find myself breathing hard in alarm.

"God…Liv I'm sorry. I've been worried about you. You didn't answer any of my calls, and you never called in saying you weren't coming in."

"El…I'm running late is all. I had a meeting with the social worker, and my cell broke." I don't even go into the fact that I broke it on purpose. That would only create another whole conversation, and I honestly did not feel like telling him that I felt smothered by all the attention.

"Liv the Cap is worried too."

"I'm sure he had your help with that too. Look Elliot I'm fine. I need to change, and we can walk out together." I roll my eyes as he follows me inside my cozy apartment. "Well, then just make yourself comfortable. I will be done momentarily."

As I head into my bedroom, I can not help but wonder what has gotten into him. He has showed up at my doorstep a few times, but this feels almost suffocating. Perhaps I'm just paranoid that he's figuring too much into my little scenario. I settle on a burgundy form fitting shirt with a dark pair of slacks. "Let's go," I announce my presence as I walk into the living room.

I find him bent over holding pieces of my broken cell phone in his hand. "I thought you said your cell broke?" Why the heck did I forget to clean that up? Great, this is the last thing I need to explain at the moment.

"It did. Come on El…why the third degree here?" I feel my cheeks as they start to burn red with embarrassment. His stare is penetrating through me, and I find myself shifting uncomfortably. I have never liked being stared at or holding someone else's attention.

"Liv…this phone had help with the breaking part."

I grab his hand roughly as I pull both of us out of my apartment and lock the door. "I know it did. Just let it go Elliot. Let it go."

"Not until you tell me what is going on."

"Not now El."

We both get into his car, and he is being his typical self as he refuses to start the car. Unbelievable! "Can we just go already?" I refuse to meet his scrutinizing stare, and look out my window. I feel an incredible amount of tension as the void between us is slowly being filled with silence. "Fine," I growl as I go to open the passenger side door, but he stops me. "Talk to me Liv."

"You know everything. I've already told you, and I don't understand why we have to have this conversation again."

"You feel responsible?"

"What?" I'm so confused at the moment, and I make it abundantly clear as I glare at him.

"You feel responsible for Kailyn's abuse…like you should have stopped it."

My jaw is tensing, and I'm afraid I might just say something that I'm about to regret. "Where do you come from? I didn't even know she existed, and now you have cooked up some sort of idea that I feel guilty about it?"

"I didn't say guilty."

"Damn it El…quit playing mind games with me. Responsible…guilty in this sense means the same thing." I can feel the tears slowly collecting in the corners of my eyes, and the thought of an emotional break down just angers me more.

"You can tell me if he hurt you," Elliot barely whispers as his hand slowly makes contact with my shoulder.

Flinching away, I grab the handle and let myself out of his car. Breathing has become difficult for me, and I'm grateful that the anger has stayed with me. "Oh…that was real rich," I start as I continue to back away from him and his vehicle. "Quit looking for a victim inside me EL. I will drive myself." I don't even bother to shut his passenger door as I walk over to my own car, and hop in. Revving my car to life, I quickly shift into reverse before I punch it back into drive hoping to leave my past in the dusty quake behind me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Getting to work before Elliot does, I can't help but wish that I could be elsewhere. His comment from before is really bothering me, and I question if my vulnerability is out in the open for everyone to see. Am I an open book ready to be examined? Slamming my locker door shut after I place my belonging in there, I hastily take a seat in my chair waiting for some sort of direction for my day.

"Nice of you to join us today," Cragen says to me as he passes my desk. I immediately stand up, and walk after him.

"Sorry about that, I had a meeting with the social worker."

"Next time call in. I was worried. When is your next appointment with the counselor?"

I'm staring at him baffled that he has the audacity to ask me this when none of the others are seeking therapy. "Next week, why?"

"Shut the door."

Damn if my nerves are not on the fray already. Emotionlessly I quickly shut the door, and turn back to give him my full attention. I swallow hard as I see his face soften a little, and I'm afraid of where this conversation is going to lead.

"Jeremy Pewter, his history just isn't adding up. According to Huang, it's very likely that he experimented with molesting at a young age. This type of behavior isn't something that transpires over night. But you claim nothing happened between the two of you when you were younger."

"Cap…that was a long time ago."

"I don't care how long ago it was; I need to know that you are telling me the truth. We have a little girl's life in our hands."

"I don't see how this pertains to me," my own voice sounds foreign to my ears. The palms of my hands are sweaty, and I swear the walls are moving in ready to squash me. I know I'm on the verge of a panic attack as my heart seems to want to leap from my tightening chest, and my ability to breath is becoming restrictive. Yet, I'm trying desperately to look and feel like a detective.

"I'm asking you if he molested you too." His eyes seem almost beady as his stare pierces through me.

I close my eyes at the word 'molested' and seem lost in a whirlwind of doubled shame. I am ashamed that I allowed 'that' to happen to me and ashamed for not being strong enough to admit it for the shake of Kailyn. Beads of perspiration are forming on my upper lip as I shake my head no. "No." My words are weak to my own ears as I refuse to make eye contact with my boss. I just lied to him, and I hate myself for doing so. But this lie was easier than I thought it would be, and perhaps its justified with the simple knowledge that I have been silenced by it for the majority of my life. The thought of owning up to it when I'm now sober is unbearable, and I find my right hand shakily dusting off the dirt that is nonexistent on my shirt. "Is that all?"

"NO…No that's not all! I want you to tell me what it was like to grow up with him?"

"He…he was distant," I start as my mind rudely conjures up a collective moment that I shared with Jeremy from my haunted past.

"_Ollie…does that feel good," he asked me as my head turns to the side. I don't want to see him lying naked on top of me on the bathroom floor. I desperately want to dissociate into a world of make belief where toys are surrounding me. _

"_Huh…do you like that?" He asked me again as he rubbed his penis over my stomach. Clenching my eyes shut, I shake my head yes. I just want it to end, and maybe if I tell him what he wanted to hear-he'd stop. _

I suddenly break free of that memory, and I feel torn with the knowledge that I know and I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. "I was distant," I whisper with realization as a tear finally drops free. "We weren't close, yet I was excited to have an older brother even though he wasn't really my brother," I continue but I feel so detached. "But, I think he hated me, and I never understood why. Perhaps he was angry that his mother died? I was too young to understand it, but I felt his loathing of me." I stop once again with no feeling at all. My body and mind has turned numb, and I continue to talk in an almost robotic state. "His room--I hated going into his room because it was covered in posters that scared me. I was afraid they would come to life and hurt me…because they seemed just as irate as he was. Everything about him seemed livid except when he would hurt me like that." My eyes close as my mind continues to walk down that road I have always dreaded to walk back down again.

As I continue to talk, Cragen remains very quiet, and a big part of me dissociates myself from him as he continues to listening to me. My mind is stuck back in my past. "My toys were my life; they helped me escape the reality of what was happening to me. Strawberry shortcake was my favorite doll, and I collected her and some of her friends—Lemon Meringue and Blueberry Muffin to be exact. They all went missing one day, and I looked everywhere for them. After searching, and feeling sick about it I finally found them in the back yard—broken, chewed up with their heads missing and I knew all to well who did it. Jeremy did. I ran crying to my mother showing her the evidence of what happened, and she told me that I must have left them in the yard and they got mowed over. Then again when it came to him it usually was my fault," I snort out loud with frustration.

"It never mattered when it came to him. I was so angry that he was able to demolish my toys, and I could do nothing to stop it. I entered his dreadful room, and cut up all his t-shirts that had his favorite band Kiss advertised across it. Kiss scared me anyways, and I figured I was only helping my mom with this because she didn't like Kiss either. The next day I came from my room screeching out loud. He had now cut all my doll clothes up, and I felt so defenseless. Traumatized…he was messing with my safe haven. I cried and cried, and eventually I received replacement toys for the ones that were ruined, but it wasn't the same."

It is amazing how freely the words are escaping from my mouth because I have never openly discussed this with anyone, but for the life of me I can't stop. I can't control it as my mind numbly allows my voice to be heard. "But, he wasn't always mean to me. Or at least he confused me enough to believe that. He was usually the one that would help me get ready for bed. Start my bath water, he'd even make it sudsy for me—the way I liked it. But, he remained there watching me—he'd end up bathing with me," I stop as emotion starts to leak its way out.

Taking a deep breath, I squeeze my eyes shut trying to remain as disconnected as possible. There is no way I can continue talking if I lose the ability to remain in control of my emotions. As quickly as the emotions were there, they are gone. "We'd play Santa, and he'd apply the suds to his face. I'd sit on his lap, and tell him everything that I wanted for Christmas. I realized something was wrong, the moment I felt something poking my bottom. I was scared and knew then this wasn't a game to him, and I no longer wanted to play," I sigh as I stand up not realizing I took a seat. I think I've talked enough about me, and I turn to leave. Stopping at the door, I turn briefly to Cragen. "Kailyn needs the system to work for her. Don't let it fail her."

"Liv…, that wasn't all, was it?"

"No," my voice is a mere whisper. Having my back to him seems to be easier for me to admit things.

"Thank you…I know this must be really hard for you." I can tell that he has remained behind his desk, and I'm grateful that he isn't trying to comfort me. If he only knew how hard this really was for me maybe he wouldn't have cornered me into talking about Jeremy.

Clearing my throat I open his door, and leave without a 'goodbye' or a 'your welcome.' Part of me is angry at him for this, and the other part of me understands why he did it.

xxxxxxx

Nothing was mentioned about Jeremy for the rest of my shift which was a bit pleasing for me because I was already having a difficult time as it was. Once I entered my apartment, I released a sigh that I had been holding in without realizing it. My whole body hurts, and the last thing I want to do is tidy up my place for my visit with Kailyn tomorrow morning. But it doesn't take me that long, and before I know it I'm tossing in my bed unable to sleep.

Frustration doesn't even begin to describe half of what I am feeling at my lack of ability to relax when I really need to. Sitting up in my bed, I draw my legs towards my chest as my mind wonders what tomorrow will be like. Will Kailyn take to me at all? This little girl's world is about to fall apart even more than what it was before, and I'm so worried that she is going to detach herself from this world. I mean that was how I handled it. I funneled everything internally and shut everyone out. No one understands what this child is going through better than I do, and I can't help but blame myself.

Elliot was right about one thing because I do feel extremely responsible for the fate that Kailyn has been dealt. Perhaps this would have never happened to her if I had the courage enough to stand up against him. There is no telling how many people suffered at the mercy of his hands because of me, and my stomach is gurgling with nausea. I feel as though I should have done something. Anything? But I failed her, and more importantly I failed myself.

It's no question that his abuse has done a number on me because I'm so terrified of intimacy. The thought of being with a man disturbs me, and that is why I like to be overloaded with work. Work is now my outlet to run from my sexual dysfunction. I'm frigid, and I'm ashamed to know that Jeremy still has so much control over me from what he did so long ago. It's time that I claim my life back away from him, and helping Kailyn is the start of it. The sad thing is it has taken me nearly thirty plus years to realize this and I can't help but feel I've wasted so much time. Meaningless time that I will never get back. Perhaps I can't go back for myself, but I can use the time that I have now to save another little girl from something that no little girl should have to experience.


End file.
